


Between us, balance

by Metaphora



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Post TLJ, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:40:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19241254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metaphora/pseuds/Metaphora
Summary: What does it mean to Rey to hold the Supreme Leader in the palm of her hands?





	1. After Crait

There would always be something that separated her from everybody else; a thrumming in her bones, a heaviness in her heart that pushed against her ribs, an overwhelming awareness of the Universe reaching out to her; a sense that there was something out of balance that had to be set right. She had always hoped she was special; that her parents had kept her in Jakku to protect her while they went about their swashbuckling, world-saving lives, and it was only a matter of time that she would find her true calling, but she had not expected the truth. She was special despite them, not because of them.

Oh, the lies she told herself…and the lies others told her.

Luke was gone.

So was Han.

So was Ben. Or so it seemed.

Why was the Force so adamant that she had to find answers alone? Rey had generations of Jedi wisdom with her, and only Threepio to decipher the texts; she had a lightsaber with a cracked kyber crystal and few instructions how to fix it, and she was still unsure what the Force wanted from her.

She would have given anything to be nobody to anyone right now. Nobodies lived safely in their worlds, forming bonds with other nobodies, remaining placidly unaware that the Universe bore the brunt of the battle between Light and Dark. Nobodies did not rule galaxies and start new orders. Nobodies did not feel the weight of deaths caused by impulsive decisions. Nobodies did not worry that their mistakes would lead to the suffering of millions. Everyday conversations would turn to memories of friends they had lost after Starkiller Base; the silences filled with unsaid words and regrets.

_Would he have spared the Resistance if she had stayed?_

_Would her presence have made him a better ruler?_

_Would she have been happier with someone who also understood the unbearable burden it was to be attuned to the Force?_

_Was everything the Force showed her when she touched his hand, a lie? And beyond all these questions, the one that still remained unanswered. What did the Force want with her?_

Poe said she was going to light the flame that would burn the First Order down, and she had smiled and said she liked the idea, even though her heart had whispered that the day He burned, she would too. Leia had told her that she was the light that would guide the Resistance’s rebirth, and she had wondered how someone who could not save Leia’s son could be expected to ignite the hope of the galaxy.

_Why did she still feel so guilty?_

_Because he had begged her to stay._

Chewie was piloting today and they were in a relatively peaceful quarter of the galaxy so Rey decided it was a good time to open the text Threepio had so painstakingly translated for her.

‘I must warn you, Miss Rey,’ he had said, ‘ that there are a great many pages too decrepit to decipher. This is really a very rough translation; I cannot take much pride in my work. I assure you the other translations will go much smoother.’ ‘It’s alright, Threepio. What difference would it make how well you’ve translated the text if I can’t make head or tails of the concepts?’

‘I’m sure Master Luke must have told you something-Oh, oh dear.’ He stopped abruptly, sensing her silence was aggrieved and not annoyed. ‘I do apologise. Master Luke left all of us too soon.’ He bowed his head and jolted off down the corridor.

It was selfish of her to think that she was the only one who felt the loss of Luke Skywalker, but she doubted anyone else had so much at stake. The language within the text was archaic, and much of the terminology related to ideas she was quite unaware of- this was not a journal for teaching novices, but a recording of knowledge of the greatest Jedis of their ages. She needed more than a translator.

_‘You need a teacher. I can’t teach you.’_

Then who bloody well could?

‘You need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the Force.’

_She slammed the book shut._

‘Reach out with your feelings,’ Luke had said. Fine, she would do that. She sat cross-legged, facing the stars outside the Falcon’s glass window and opened herself to the will of the Force, cleansing her mind of all thought except the simple desire to be. There were no happy answers to who she was, but perhaps she would learn what she needed to do next?

Perhaps, for once, the Force would not be so kriffing obtuse.

She felt the vibration that resided permanently in her bones grow stronger as she let herself be embraced by that familiar feeling of everywhere and everything, and she recognised, once again, the dissonance within the Universe; there was a fracture, a fissure, a conflict that needed to be resolved. The galaxy was tired. Oh Force, so was she.

‘I need to know why.’ She heard his voice behind her.

_Bloody farkled hell._ She took a deep breath and turned around. There he was; unmasked, his back towards her, looking out, like she had been, to the stars. His appearance always surprised her; she had difficulty reconciling the idea of the ruthless Kylo Ren, heir apparent to Lord Vader, to the beautiful man whose sad eyes reminded her so much of Leia. And it did not add to her self-respect that every time he looked at her, she had to remind herself to keep breathing.

‘I killed the Supreme Leader for you. I offered you the galaxy. I –I offered you everything I had,’ his voice broke. She understood the unspoken question: _‘Was I not enough?’_

She had bested him in combat twice and yet Rey had never felt more powerful. The nobody from Jakku had the Supreme Leader, the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa, begging her to join him, and pleading for an explanation now.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

And oh, how it hurts when they do.

‘You offered me a chance to betray my friends… Ben, you must have known I could not let them die; why did you force me to choose between you and them?’

His pause grew longer and it was only her belief in his complete honesty that she continued to anticipate an answer.

“Perhaps it had nothing to do with betraying your friends. Perhaps I just hoped that if I offered you everything that you were searching for, you might wish to stay with me.’

‘I was searching for family, connection, love. You offered me a throne at the expense of the only relationships I had.’

‘Stop lying to yourself.’ He had turned towards her violently, practically spitting out the words. The anger of that gesture was heightened by the gauntness of his face. Had he slept? Eaten? It had been almost a week since the battle at Crait, and to be fair, there had been much to do in the following days. However, she had not expected the dark circles under his eyes to have gotten deeper. He looked thin…ill which made no sense. Hadn’t he gained everything he wanted?

Rey also became suddenly aware that if she checked in a mirror, she might not look much better.

He had started prowling towards her and Rey instinctively reached for her blaster; an action he noted before he stopped, close enough to touch her face, if he wished to. Close enough for her to smell him- clean, almost antiseptic, as if he had stepped out of the fresher. Breathing had suddenly become unbearable.

‘You know I offered much more than that. You saw it yourself.’

‘You don’t know what I saw.’

‘Then tell me.’ His voice was velvet; his eyes focused on hers, not searching for answers but checking if she would tell him the truth. Bastard.

Words did not come instinctively to Rey- her survival had depended on silence and stealth, and sometimes no words existed to explain the extent of loneliness and anxiety she had grown up with. _If he expected she could articulate her experience that night…_

Perhaps her expressions had betrayed her again as he seemed to come closer; his hand, ungloved reaching for her cheek.

‘Show me, if you can’t tell me,’ he whispered. And before she could step back, or towards him, he was gone.


	2. Finn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn offers comfort, a new perspective and a bold solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the appreciation! I didn't think anybody would have read the first chapter and today I found I had 190 views [small beginnings, people].  
> I guess I have reason to continue writing now.
> 
> I do not have beta readers so if there are any grammatical errors, please drop a comment below. Reylos are the best!  
> _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Chapter Two: Finn**

 

‘How much longer until we reach the base, Rey?’ Finn asked her the minute she walked into the make-shift sickbay they had made in the bunks in front of the galley. Every berth was occupied, with a few fighters sprawled on the floor. Space had become a luxury and she once again thanked her stars for the tiny hole she had made for herself by the escape pods. There were such limited supplies and so many wounded- Rose needed more than a med unit; she needed a healing sheet and curative skin sealants, and more antibiotics than they had at the moment. She was struggling, and it was clear to Rey that so was Finn.

How had he grown so much in such short time? She had always known him to be protective and self-sacrificing for those he loved, but in the few conversations they had shared, Finn had mentioned the ‘apathy of the powerful’; and how they needed to ‘set right the galaxy’ twice; words she attributed to Rose, a woman she already admired even though she did not know her-yet. The Finn she remembered had always done the right thing, but primarily to save those he cared about- she did not recall his love extending to people he had never met. Rose had done him so much good already…Rey prayed that the Universe would not take her away from Finn so soon.

They had to reach Dantooine.

‘Tomorrow, Finn. I promise. Rose will get through this.’

‘She’s been through worse,’ Finn stroked her hair, fondly. ‘Probably because she doesn’t make the best choices.’

‘None of us do,’ she whispered. Finn gave her a curious glance, not sure which ‘choices’ she referred to; she had told him nothing about her time on the Supremacy, only that she had escaped after Snoke ‘died’. Her story had made little sense, but Finn knew enough about Rey to not ask any questions. He placed his hand on hers and simply waited.  

‘What if, Finn,’ she hesitated, refusing to meet his eyes, ‘I told you that I did not kill Snoke? What if I told you that Kylo Ren killed him- to save me?’

Finn removed his hand from hers. She heard him take a deep breath, running his hands through his hair and then his face until finally, he seemed to have turned into a ball perched on the chair. A ball that was rocking back and forth.

Really, this was a trifle overdramatic, even for Finn. She smacked the back of his head. “Did you honestly assume I could have killed Supreme Leader Snoke by myself?! What do you take me for?”

“A Jedi! You defeated Kylo Ren! You lifted a mountain to save us! But that’s not the point- if Kylo Ren killed him then the galaxy needs to know! They’ve got bounty hunters out looking for you, Rey! He’s sentenced you to death!” 

“Yes. I thought that was frightfully petty too.” She recalled the advertisements on the holocrons. To be fair, the award money was quite generous. She wouldn’t be surprised if some of the Resistance themselves tried to turn her in.

“Petty? That’s a strange way to put it…’ he shook his head. ‘Rey, what else aren’t you telling me?’ He was looking straight at her; straight through her almost, and she found the concern on his face painful. She took a deep breath and decided to simply jump in, as she had in Achch- To.

“Right. So Kylo Ren killed Supreme Leader Snoke to save me, Finn. He offered me a place beside him to rule the galaxy but he wanted everything to die- the past, the Resistance, the Jedi, _everything_. I sometimes see him- the Force shows him to me- and I think that maybe…I don’t know how to say this…but whatever it is that I have to do, it is somehow connected to Ben, Kylo...Oh, this is ridiculous. I just don’t know anymore and I’m so tired…’ she put her head on his shoulder and sat there, relishing the feeling of warmth and acceptance that radiated from Finn regardless of what she did or who she was.

Finn sat in silence, stroking the back of her head, considering the implications of Rey’s almost unbelievable confession. Kylo Ren had killed Snoke…for her. He had wanted to rule…with her. And when she refused, which she obviously did because if there was one thing he knew about Rey, it was that she stood up for the innocent, he threw a kriffing tantrum and almost decimated the entire Resistance. _What a child._ And this spoiled brat was now Supreme Leader of the First Order and practically in charge of the galaxy.

He remembered the little boy in the stable at Canto Bight. Why did people like Kylo Ren have the world at their feet, while everybody else had to scrounge, steal, fight and beg to survive? How was this just? Rose and Paige had grown up in mines; he’d been stolen from his parents; Rey had been fighting monsters ever since she was a child, and yet Kylo Ren dissolved into tears because a girl told him she didn’t think her friends should die.

Dungcreeper.

But this was about Rey. Kylo Ren _wanted_ Rey…and Rey, herself? What did she mean when she said…

‘Rey, you said you see him. The Force _shows_ him to you. What are you talking about?’

She groaned. ‘The world stops, Finn. Noise, and it seems everything around me, it’s just sucked away, and I see him. Not where he is, or with whom, just _him_. And we talk, like people, and we can feel each other…’ she gestured to her head, as if saying that they could communicate with their thoughts, a clarification Finn approved of for her words conjured images he found quite repulsive.

Yet…there was an odd memory he couldn’t shake from Jakku when he was still a trooper. He had stood with his blaster, defiant,  refusing to shoot at the villagers, and terrified of future consequences, and Kylo Ren had stopped and looked right through him, rifling through his mind until he had uncovered his fear, horror, and disgust- and had simply walked away. And at that moment, he had left a faint trace of an emotion that Finn had not encountered before but could recognize now: sympathy. It had made no sense then, but now it suggested a possibility that might change the course of everything. What if Kylo Ren had…feelings?

_What if the fearsome Kylo Ren could be used?_

He lifted Rey’s chin. She looked exhausted, as she should. The Resistance had pinned all their hopes on her, she was wanted for the murder of Supreme Leader Snoke, she had been taking very few breaks from piloting the Falcon, and was trying to become a Jedi with very little guidance,  and today he had learned that she had a complicated relationship with the current Supreme Leader of the First Order itself. He doubted she would appreciate the idea he planned to bounce off her.

'Rey, have you considered that the Force _wants_ you to be with Kylo Ren?'

Rey sighed and got up. “I know it does, Finn. It showed me his future-and I was in it. But he was different then. I thought he would turn; he would save the galaxy from the First Order, but he used me to gain more power-’ she stopped abruptly and glared at the stars outside the window. Finn joined her.

‘First, you said he killed the Supreme Leader for you, but now you’re saying he did it for power. I’m not saying both aren’t possible but which do you believe is the stronger reason?’

‘Me.’ She whispered. ‘He did it for me. He wanted to be with me.’

‘Do you think he still wants that?'

Rey glared at him. ‘Why should that matter? Even if he did, I can’t allow him to destroy everything that keeps the galaxy together. Didn’t you hear what I said, Finn? Didn’t you see him at Crait? He’s not willing to change, or grow. How do you live with a man like that?’

‘I know what you mean, Rey, but I want you to think about this. I had no clue there was anything worth dying for until I learned that it is the people who refuse to stand and fight and take sides that are the true cause of the pain and suffering in the galaxy, but here’s the thing: I had to learn it. Rose had to show me truth. I’m not saying that Kylo Ren didn’t have opportunities to see the shit he caused, but he had no reason to try and be anything but a monster before. Force, Rey. Think of the power you have! He wanted you to rule with him; kriffing hell, why don’t you? You could change everything.’ He had started pacing up and down the small corridor. Finally, he turned, waving a finger at Rey’s face. A finger she smacked away angrily.

‘Look. Why is there a Resistance at all? Because the First Order under Snoke was a cruel, selfish regime draining the galaxy dry and obliterating entire systems at will and people needed to fight back. But what if it could be something else? What if we destroy it from inside?! You, you, Rey, have Kylo Ren in your grasp!’

‘That’s a bit much, Finn-‘

‘No. No, listen. Rey, find out what he wants. What did he mean when he wanted to start a world order-‘

‘New Order.’

‘Whatever. New Order. But what does that mean? Does he want to change the way things are being done at the moment? Does he have plans?’

Rey scoffed, ignoring the strange warmth she had started to feel in the pit of her stomach. ‘Does he seem the sort of person who would have a plan?’

‘No.’ Finn gently placed his hands on her shoulder. ‘No, but _you_ should be. Rey, perhaps the way to save the galaxy isn’t through violence; maybe it’s through love. That’s what Rose taught me. You need to save what you love, not fight what you hate. If you think Kylo might have feelings for you, Rey, then this is worth a shot. Force knows, we’ve got nothing else going for us.’

‘Dammit, Finn,’ she looked down.  ‘You were supposed to tell me I was going crazy and that the only thing I could do was kill him.’

‘I’m your friend, Rey. It’s not that hard to see that that is the last thing you would be able to do.’ He returned to Rose and held her limp hand, smiling. ‘Now get us to Dantooine as soon as possible.’


	3. Waiting

**Chapter Three: Waiting**

 

 

It became harder to wait when she knew what she wanted to say to him. She had mapped out different possible scenarios, strangely though, in each he seemed to be emerging from the fresher or going in- it changed based on her mood and the time of the day. While working on the emergency power generator damaged during the rescue from the TIE fighters, she had managed to manipulate their imaginary conversation towards an apology, with Kylo on his knees begging to join the Resistance. Her most satisfactory daydream had included an interruption by Leia, and the General’s joyous response to Ben’s supplication for forgiveness still made her eyes tear up.

The base in Dantooine had been a disappointment; much of the weaponry was beyond use, and the medical equipment out-of-date but D’acy suggested that if they could send scouts to the nearest outpost, they might find merchants willing to trade for parts. Rey volunteered immediately; it would give her something to do, and every new world needed to be explored.

‘I’m guessing we won’t have your lightsaber with us,’ Poe noted while she clipped her blaster to her belt. 

‘It’s ok, Poe. Jedis can kill with their minds. The saber is for dramatics.’

‘I like you, Rey,’ he blinked. ‘You have no idea how much I’m hoping the feeling is mutual.’  

 She grinned, nodded to Finn who had emerged with his own blaster and leather bag in tow, and walked out into the sun. Immediately, she sneezed.

‘What’s in the air here?’ she asked Poe, who had already mounted his speeder.

‘It’s pollen. This is an agricultural planet-the crop here release it when it’s spring. Beautiful time of year to be in Dantooine, though personally, anything is better than Jakku.’

If only he wasn’t such a good pilot... Rey felt Poe would be immeasurably improved with a blaster hole in him.

‘We’ve got no recent maps of this area but the navigation system marked out a settlement 40 degrees North from here, about  25 khelters. Keep your comms open and don’t get lost. ’ Finn and Rey nodded to Poe and they sped out.

Dantooine was beautiful. The land seemed to breathe; flora flourished unbidden and unplanned and the wind carried the sound of animals mating, playing and calling to their friends. How could a planet radiate such joy and life, yet be so empty? What had happened here?

All of a sudden, she felt a jolt, as if an invisible hook had latched onto her vessel.  Rey screamed as she aerially cartwheeled with her speeder into an undergrowth of bushes, and landed with her arm perilously close to the engine propeller, at an angle that was anatomically unhealthy. Luckily she had been thrown off before impact or she expected she would have been in worse shape than the tree her speeder had crashed into. 

Through the blinding pain and embarrassment, Rey was strangely proud of her ability to retain a sense of humour and perspective.

‘Finn! Poe! I’m hurt!’ she screamed into the distance, hoping they had heard the sound of the crash and would find her.

‘Rey!’ she heard Finn calling. She almost sobbed with relief; trying to find a way to align her elbow with the rest of her arm was excruciating and it took all her will and her connection with the Force to keep herself from screaming.

‘Holy Force, Rey! You’re a kriffin’ Jedi. How did this happen?’ Poe disembarked quickly and ran to her speeder, checking to see whether it could be salvaged. Finn helped prop her arm on to a stump to help him get a closer look. By the look on his face, it was clear he was not going to be much help. 

‘It needs a splint. We could make one with a branch and my armbands so that will not be much of an issue. On the other hand, I don’t think the speeders can hold another passenger and our stuff so I’m going to have to stay here until you return. Finn, I need you to unwrap the bands on my arm. Poe, can you contact the base and let them know where I am?’

‘On it. Don’t worry, Rey. We’ve got you.’ Poe had already established their coordinates and was relaying, in almost humiliating detail, the nature of Rey’s accident and injuries. By the sound of his voice, it seemed they might be unlikely to get help soon. Meanwhile, Finn and Rey had worked out the best angle at which he could place Rey’s elbow on the stump to apply pressure and realign the joint. Rey bit down on the strap of her leather satchel to stop herself from screaming as he pushed down and snapped her elbow into place.

‘Seriously, Rey. You’d think the Force would take better care of you.’ Fin shook his head while he wrapped her armband around the splint.

‘For the last time, Finn, that’s not how it works.’ She grimaced as she tried to move her arm back towards her. ‘How long until they send a team, Poe?’

‘I can’t say, Rey. We took the only speeders the base had…I think I saw a hopper somewhere in the reconnaissance area but unless they can find transport, you might have to wait until a team on foot reaches you. It might take anywhere between an hour and four. Hopefully, we’ll be back by then to lend a hand.’

‘We’re leaving Rey here?’ Finn turned, horrified, to stare at Poe.

‘You’ve got to, Finn. You need those medical supplies.’ Rey reminded him.      

 ‘I don’t like this, Rey. We don’t know how safe this planet is.’

‘Leave me your blasters then. Just go.’ She settled herself next to the stump and placed her head on a comfortable knob on the trunk, watching as Poe and Finn tried to pile what remained of the tradable units onto their speeders, and start their engines. Soon the forest became silent, with the only sounds Rey’s audibly pained breathing and the rustle of fallen leaves as she tried to move.

An hour to four, Poe had said. That might not be so difficult to survive. Rey had survived worse on Jakku…once she had fallen down an AT-At shaft and broken her leg- how old had she been then, fifteen?- and there was another time she had that stomach flu and had almost died due to dehydration and neglect…Four hours was a picnic- not that she had ever been on one. It seemed like a fun idea, as long as it wasn’t under a desert sun.  Perhaps this would be a good time to practice some of the breathing exercises Skywalker had shown her…inhaaaaale, hold it in, open yourself to the world around you….

It was gradually growing lighter. Rey noticed the air getting warmer and the sounds of the forest changing. The foliage was so dense she could barely see the sky. How long had it been? An hour? Half? Why hadn’t she carried a text with her or some stones for a quick game? The pain made sleep impossible.

Perhaps there was a reason for the accident. She was constantly terrified the bond might open when she was in the middle of a meeting or in the mess hall: maybe the Force planned to connect her with Kylo so they could speak in private! If anybody knew a way to use the Force to alleviate pain, it would be him. She almost sobbed into her shoulder. _If there was a moment for the Force Bond to open, please let it be now_ , she prayed.

Rey awoke with a start. How long had she dozed off? How long had it been? She looked around; the air was still warm and she had just seen a rodent scurry off into the bushes. By her calculations, she must have been asleep forty minutes… had the bond opened while she was asleep?! Had she missed him? Farkled hell, if he had watched her sleep, or snore…or drool…She closed her eyes. Perhaps it might be better if she died.

Rey had learned to identify a few of the sounds of this forest in Dantooine…There was a particular winged creature, she assumed it would be winged as she could hear sounds from up in the branches, that had an almost human call; like a little boy with a lisp saying ‘Coming!’ A boy with dark hair and dark eyes. Had he lisped?  She wondered if the creature was larger than a porg. Perhaps Poe could tell her what it was called, or maybe she could name it if no one had done so before. She would call it a reyling, and if she died she could say that although she had no place in the galaxy, at least she named a bird.

The comms unit had been suspiciously silent for too long. Was it working? ‘Finn, Poe,’ she spoke into her unit, ‘This stump is terrible company. Keep me updated on our progress. Over.’ She wondered if Chewie knew she was stuck here; she couldn’t imagine the wookiee simply letting her rot in the middle of an unknown planet. _Where was the rescue unit? And if the Force had a plan, why wasn’t he here yet?_  

All right. If the Force would not bring him to her, she would do it herself. She needed him to fix the pain- and sit by her and tell her she was not alone. When had he become comfort and warmth?  When had she started to trust him? And how had she become so sure that Ben was the right person to provide what she needed, even though she still had no idea what that was?

There had to be a way to reach out across the stars to him. She had been able to find her way to the Supremacy through his pulse; why wasn’t that working now? _Ben_ , she almost cried out. _Kylo_. _Can you hear me? I need you._

_Please_.

The Universe stayed silent.

‘Rey! Are you all right?’ she heard Finn shaking her awake. She opened her eyes to the glare of fluorescent lamps. She didn’t think she had dozed off- she had probably fainted.

‘Rey, we’re so sorry we’re late. The coordinates were off and the search party couldn’t locate you. This planet’s a bit wonky to navigate. Listen, we’ve got the bacta and the new med units.  We’re taking you back now. You’re going home.’

Finn’s voice seemed to come from a distance; Rey wrapped her right arm around her broken left one and allowed herself to be lifted by Chewie. It struck her as strange that more than being relieved she was found, she was heartbroken that Ben hadn’t answered her.


	4. Fissure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old enemies; old stories.

**Chapter 4: Fissure**

“You’re in a biocast.” She rolled her eyes as his voice filled the tiny cell she had selected for herself-after all, was this a question or a statement?

Rey had felt the room close in while she was glaring at the incomprehensible text, and had prepared for his almost overwhelming presence by gritting her teeth and pretending she was engrossed in reading. There was so much rage in her heart that she doubted she could carry out a civil conversation; she still felt so thoroughly betrayed by the Force, and him.

‘How did the speeder crash? You used to be a decent pilot, or has that changed since you met Dameron?’ She gasped. He had been subtle; she hadn’t felt his intrusion this time. She quickly imagined the boulders at Crait to prevent him from going further into her memories.

His voice had been amused. Curious. What an idiot she was for expecting concern. Rey kept her eyes on the pages of the text; there was a beautiful illustration somewhere of the alignment of stars that might have held some religious significance heavens knows how long ago, if only she could find historical navigation charts …

‘You’re lucky, you know. Six hours trapped in Dantooine’s  forests…they’re  notorious for poisonous kinraths.  With a broken arm, you were easy prey; it makes me wonder why your _friends_ left you.’

‘Get out of my head.’ She spat at him, finally tearing her eyes from the page. He was looking straight at her, a glimmer of a shadow of a smile, head cocked at an angle, trying to pry her experience from her mind.

He smirked, ‘It seems you’ve had me there all day.’

‘I don’t have time for this. Or you.’

His expression had changed; the bemused indifference was replaced by a pensiveness she didn’t expect, and he walked towards her slowly. ‘You _shouldn’t_ have crashed, Rey. Your power is raw and undirected but you should have been able to-'

‘ _What_ should I have been able to do, Ben?’ she almost screamed. ‘I keep hearing that I am powerful and capable and strong and I need guidance and a teacher but I have been _given_ NOTHING. These books mean _nothing_ to me because they make no sense. Luke refused to train me and Leia…’ Ben looked away. ‘I feel my connection with the Force come and go at the Force’s will and I can’t even get _you_ to appear when I need you to.’ Her voice broke, the memory of her helplessness in the forest suffocating her words. ‘Everything rides on my ability to control my powers, and sometimes I just _can't._ I’m always so afraid I will never be strong or disciplined enough to do what everyone expects me to.’ She placed her book on the side and walked as far away from both Ben and her berth as she could.

Kylo was no longer looking at her, facing the wall of her room as if it opened to a galaxy of stars. Perhaps his chamber did- how might it feel to view the world beyond the glass as if you owned it and everyone in it? She found the idea of possession terrifying; why would anyone want the responsibility of so much? And yet here he was, flaunting the mantle of ‘Supreme Leader’ as if it was a reward rather than a curse.

‘Do you know who my grandfather was?' he said to the wall.

‘Darth Vader. Everybody does. But your mother is General Organa and your father was-'

‘ _I know who my father was_. Everyone does. And my mother. And my grandfather. And my uncle.’ He turned to face her. ‘Expectations will kill you because you will never meet them. Every time you think you have, you’ll learn that they have simply grown further out of reach, and you will always, always, be inadequate, regardless of how much you have given. Have you learned nothing from Luke?’

‘He came back to save us, Ben. To save you. He deserves your forgiveness, all of ours,’ She had come dangerously close to him, so close that she could only see his face by tilting her head upwards; so close that if she wanted to, she could drape her arms around his shoulder and let him bear her pain until she fell asleep; deep black sleep…safe sleep. All she wanted was the chance to be able to rest, someday.

‘What do _we_ deserve, Rey?’ the intensity of his gaze forced her to look down again. ‘Do you and I deserve to have the burden of the galaxy on our shoulders? I didn’t ask for this ‘mighty Skywalker blood’ and you didn’t ask for the responsibility to _save_ _my soul_ ,’ he bit his lip and looked away.  She didn’t refute him- that was what she had been trying to do, wasn’t it? But when he said it out loud she realized how insulting and arrogant that truly sounded. ‘I watched my mother flail and fail in the Republic, battling uselessly with worlds that refused to acknowledge the injustices outside their systems, while my uncle taught those with power that they were not supposed to use it for anything other than defense; and I believed him. Until he tried to kill me.

They all lie, Rey. They all disappoint you, while expecting you to destroy yourself for them. And you will disappoint them. The sooner you learn this, the easier the rest of this journey will be.’

‘I don't understand. Were you  _trying_ to disappoint me, then, in the throne room? You must have known-’ she couldn’t hide the bitterness in her tone but he interrupted her before she could explain herself.

‘I wasn’t, but why does it matter now? I was inadequate. That’s all there is in the end.’

She had grown so used to reading his thoughts by his expressions that she found his inability to meet her eyes devastating; even more so when she knew that if he asked her to join him again, her answer would remain the same. They would always be disappointing each other, and then fixing each other up again; they would spend eternity breaking each other’s heart and building each other’s spirit, and she would always be seeking her answers in his eyes.

'Ben,’ she begged him to look at her again, and when he did, she was relieved to see there was no anger in his face, just a calm acceptance of her decision. ‘Do you still think I have no role in all this? That I’m nothing?”

Ben took his customary time to think about the question and when he finally spoke, it was in the tone of an ancient master, recalling a text he had read in his youth. ‘There is a fissure in the Force, Rey, that has always been there and I know you feel it too. My grandfather was supposed to fulfill a prophecy and bring balance to the universe and when he destroyed the Emperor, they believed he had; but the fracture is still there. The Force is still unbalanced. Until you came, I believed that _I_ was the Chosen One- that I had to restore order to the Force and the galaxy; but now that you’re here, I don’t know anymore. I thought that by offering you a place beside me, I was giving you a role in all this but I was wrong. It happens.’ He shrugged and she couldn’t help giving him a small smile.

“I don’t know what the Force has decided for us, Rey,’ he continued. ‘ I simply know now that you’re everything that I am, and I am you and yours, wherever that may take me.’

And there was her answer to everything. If only there wasn’t a galaxy between them.

‘Stay with me, Ben. Come to me. I know we can find a way through this, together.’ She reached out her hand to touch his hair desperately, unsure whether the bond would allow her to- if she did not let him know how she felt _now,_ she knew she would regret it until she saw him again, perhaps when they were both in the middle of a battlefield. These little moments through the Force were all they had.

And before she could hear his reply, the bond broke.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew.  
> This was a tough chapter to write. Ben Solo is so fucking complicated and I have no idea HOW to portray him as anything but sympathetic, though God knows I've tried to give him villainous qualities.
> 
> I'm pantsing this, so I dunno...let's see where this goes.


End file.
